Helping to build better relationships

Published: 6 June 2010
By: Robin Williams

Guiding hand:Jeff Kemp with his book Be a Parent not a Pal and an Asteros award, from his program aimed at helping troubled teenagers

JEFF Kemp, the head of student support services at St Michael's College, Carrara, on the Gold Coast, was having a big week but still found time to talk to The Catholic Leader.

On Monday, he spent the day at Hinze Dam, in the Gold Coast hinterland, with 11 young boys and an outdoor education team from the Police-Citizens Youth Club.
On Tuesday, he was the guest of honour at the launch of his book Be a Parent not a Pal at Riverbend bookstore in Brisbane.

On Wednesday, he was preparing for the graduation that evening of 49 parents due to complete his four-week parenting program.

That's the day he squeezed in an interview with The Catholic Leader.

On Thursday and Friday, he "didn't have to do much", just attend the school's Year 8 camp at Lake Ainsworth in northern NSW.

All this while still being available to the 600-plus students at St Michael's College should they need some words of advice or lending an ear to listen and be available 24/7 for the 11 boys who had just started his latest year-long Asteros program. (Asteros is the name of a program that Jeff runs for troubled teenagers.)
It's a lifestyle that Jeff thrives on.

Nothing about what Jeff does is a job, it's a passion.
Jeff, the father of four children, has a big heart when it comes to doing all he can to help kids nurture and recognise their own unique gifts.

He's had a stellar career in education, from his early years as a primary school teacher through to learning and guidance roles, to spending 20 years with Equity Support Services at Brisbane Catholic Education.

That career also includes a five-year break driving taxis while he put himself through some of the specialist higher-education degrees he needed to acquire tools to help him teach the students "who should be learning but weren't".

During his career with Equity Support, Jeff had regular contact with street kids, young people in detention centres and those with problems, and he became increasingly concerned about the need to help them all.

"All through the '90s and late '80s I visited all those places and I remember going to John Oxley (Youth Detention Centre) which is a medium to high-security youth detention centre and reading a file of a boy where you could really see this progressive disengagement," Jeff said.

"It started from the upper end of primary school and really blossomed in Years 9 and 10."

Jeff said the boy had followed a very predictable path to end up in the juvenile justice system.

"He was actually doing a craft activity while I was there and his fine motor skills were so good and I thought that was a gift of a young fellow that was never going to be realised.

"So I thought that when I was old and grey - which I am now - I'd go back into schools and work in general counselling but I would establish an early-intervention program where I would look for boys aged around 13-14 who were most at risk in our Catholic schools of disengaging (from society).

"I would look at their files and you would see this predictable pattern of disengagement and then I would engage these boys in a sustained program over time because my gut feeling was that if you engage kids for a short period then you don't make any long-lasting change."

Jeff's professional qualifications in special education and psychology along with his doctorate in education gave him ample understanding and insight into the nature of such boys who he said needed to be engaged over a sustained period.

"I developed this Asteros program that is an ancient Greek word meaning 'bright star' that matched my belief that everyone is gifted differently," he said.

He said the boys chosen for the program had a range of different needs.

"Some boys are ADHD (Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) boys, kids with autistic spectrum disorders, kids with very challenging behaviour, kids from very dysfunctional families.

"There is no one criteria; there's several, but in each child I have to have a feeling - a gut feeling - that this child has something we can work with."

Jeff is also keen to emphasise that parents needed to identify the gifts in their children.

He said those gifts might not necessarily be the standard gifts of academia but gifts in life.

Jeff said guidance counsellors in Gold Coast Catholic schools nominated boys for the Asteros program.

"Then we go through them (the nominations) together and I select the boys that I think I can make a difference for.

"This year I have chosen 11 boys from a cohort of 34 put forward."

Jeff said the 12-month program involved a two-part wilderness therapy adventure component with a parent skilling program included that the boys' parents attended.

He said most of the parents were at their wits' end, with about 70 per cent of them being sole parents, and the program was very much a partnership with those parents.

Jeff's passion doesn't stop with helping kids reach their potential.

He's also passionate about helping all parents understand their teenagers in the 21st century.

He said he had noticed over the years that parents seemed to lack confidence in their parenting and that they needed to be reassured of its vital role.

After he had conducted parenting skills programs for a number of years a chance suggestion by a parent to publish that program led to the book Be a Parent not a Pal.

The first part of the book deals with being a parent and deals with areas such as parents identifying their philosophy of parenting, their need to be "in charge" of their household, and the need to look after their own wellbeing.

"The next part is about being a teenager, so I go through all the things that change and don't change in teenagers' development," Jeff said.

"Then I cover things that I call teen topics where I write on the key topics to do with teenagers such as friends, body image, depression, suicide, and drugs and alcohol - the big issues."

Jeff said the last part of the book dealt with teen scenarios and included 25 typical scenes and then included action plans parents could utilise to deal with the situation.

"It's not rocket science; it's just about having a few ideas about how kids function and being on the planet for a long time yourself and genuinely wanting to see kids do well," he said.

He said if a parent started out to be a child's pal or friend it was fraught with danger.

"And I see so many examples of that ... that just creates entitlement in kids.

"What you need to do is be the parent. You need to accept the challenge that you are the parent and every parent can parent differently but you need to accept that you are the parent.

"If you start out to parent with patience and purpose as the parent, you will become their pal, it doesn't work the other way.

"In fact a lot of parents ruin the relationship when they try to be their (child's) pal first and then say, 'Hey, wait a minute. I've got to be a parent now'.

"That doesn't work."

Be a Parent not a Pal is available through the website www.australianacademicpress.com.au or at Angus & Robertson book stores.